September 11, 2001

About five years ago today, some members of a group which used to be funded by the CIA to throw the Soviets of of Afghanistan were sitting in their cave[1] watching the unfolding events on CNN. As the WTC towers went down, there must have been cheers and shouts of "Allah hu Akhbar!", etc.

And after the cheering? Well, I fancy it went a little like this...

(Note: translated from Arabic to English or thereabouts.)

[Osama]: "Now Lads, Calm down! Calm down! We should all be like Abdullah over there and pray that our mission went well, like. Abdullah, lead us in your prayers!"

[Abdullah]: "Ohshitohshitohshit, we're all gonna die ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod... Uh what Osama?"

[Osama]: "Weren't you prayin' like?"

[Abdullah]: "Sort of. I mean, we're all dead men right now, right? We've just bloodied the nose of the great Satan and they'll stop at nothing to avenge this deed. Their 'special forces' will hide under rocks in the desert eating nothing but stones and scorpions just waiting for one of us to pass by. They'll invade the countries our brave martyrs came from and punish everyone there for this action. We have brought destruction on our Women and Children!"

[Osama] Thinks for a moment: "You're right! There's only one way that any of us will be alive this time five years from now."

[All]: "What's that?"

[Osama]: We need Allah to turn all the leaders of the Great Satan into idiots. You know, make them invade Afghanistan in a half hearted fashion, refuse to take action against Saudi Arabia and Egypt (where most of our martyrs came from), then invade a country which we all hate (and which isn't even Islamic!)...

[All]: "May the fleas of a thousand camels infest Saddam's armpits!"

[Osama}: "...with not enough troops to do the job properly. Then they should attempt to win Arab hearts and minds by torturing ordinary Arabs, thus radicalizing them and winning us more converts. Also, we should pray that all of their most senior officers should be such a bunch of religious extremists that even we in Al-Qaeda would be embarrassed to know them, and that almost their entire army should behave in such a way as to make even the lesser Satans hate them."

[Abdullah]: "Bloody hell, Osama, I mean, God is great and all, but isn't that asking for a lot?"

[Osama]: "Well, It's a million to one shot, but it just might work. RIght lads, five minutes to wash up, then I want to see you all back here on your knees praying to God that they American President is a moron.

(or the Islamabad Hilton)